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Real estate, it's another language

So Real Estate uses a lot of terms to describe property. Surely there is some fact and some fiction behind all of these terms? I figured it was about time someone decided to decrypt the mysterious language of Real Estate.

Tried selling a house before? Been told your place is “quaint” (basically, tiny) or “open plan” (impossible to heat)? Or perhaps “bay-side” (the bay is down the road, turn left, turn left again, keep driving for another 2 kilometres, yep, there you go)? You may find some of these terms strangely familiar…

affordable living

the cheapest house in the street

bay-side

the bay is down the road, turn left, turn left again, keep driving for another 2 kilometres, yep, there you go

boutique building/complex

akin to small fashion shops on Oxford St in Paddington, only not really

casual dining

the dining area and kitchen are indistinguishably linked by a common laminex benchtop

character

a bit smelly and dirty but has potential

contemporary elements

the original features of the home have been removed and replaced with inferior modern equivalents

contemporary family

suited for families who are living today

deceased estate

poorly maintained, smelly, dark and generally unattractive

elegant interiors

your furniture will almost definitely not match

established gardens

really old plants that look like they need refreshing

European appliances

expensive appliances that are no doubt out of warranty

fresh

everything has been painted white

gourmet kitchen

the kitchen itself is extremely tasty and cooked to perfection

impressive aspect

the property faces the right direction, which is good because this is impossible to fix

just minutes

minutes could mean anything from 2 minutes to 999 minutes or even more, just not 1 minute

leafy

you will spend your life raking up leaves every weekend

level yard

all plants have been removed and the grass has been neatly mowed

lifestyle

something that every house or apartment has

light filled

everything you own will fade

low maintenance

no plants, just concrete

low maintenance lifestyle

suits lazy people

luxurious

expensive but poor quality

mature garden

garden is unlikely to be naughty, stubborn, resilient to change

modern bathroom

the bathroom has been renovated in the last 20 years

motivated vendor

unlike the other vendors, who clearly aren’t motived to sell but have engaged a real estate agent for fun

open-plan

impossible to heat living spaces

opportunity

could be attached to the sale of any property

oversized bedrooms

disproportionately large bedrooms which feel like they waste space

peaceful

strangely quiet to the point of being scary

perfectly liveable

you can move in today but the property needs so much work it will almost certainly send you broke

prized setting

the house hasn’t really won any prizes, but if there were a competition for setting, this house would win hands down

property hot spot

everyone in the same street has sold recently

quaint

small, squashy, probably won’t fit all of your prized possessions

security building

there is a front door with some level of security but everyone lets each other in anyway

soaring ceilings

buy a new ladder, you are going to need it to change a light bulb

sparkling pool

someone has put soap in the pool

study

an incredibly small bedroom

sun drenched

impossibly hot during summer, no shade

tandem garage

you’ll only ever park 1 car because the 2nd one is too much effort to get out

tidy

see quaint

tree-lined

there will almost definitely be leaves all over your car when you leave it parked

ultra modern

more modern than modern

well-preserved

covered in many layers of paint which you will struggle to removed